Curves in all the wrong places

The 'mom jean.' My eyes are burning!

Autumn has finally hit Australia, and this weekend has put me in the fall mood in earnest: hot chocolate during the day, sleeping under my flannel sheets, wearing my strewth Aussie Bonds™ green and gold slippers 'round the house, admiring the foliage on Royal Parade. Hopefully I have some leeway until winter settles in and the farthest I want to venture is the lounge room to watch Law and Order and eat pumpkin soup.

This weather has also encouraged me to take yet another calculated fashion risk and participate in one of the Western world's favourite autumn/winter looks which isn't looking like it will slink back into oblivion anytime soon: jeans tucked into boots. Although I am well aware of my 5 foot stature, I fully support my foray into this trend. There are certain things us vertically challenged gals can wear without looking like idiots, and, with the right top/boot style/jean size, jeans-within-boots is one of them.

There are, however, many a thing that no woman should wear. There are items that, categorically, look absolutely horrible on every* body type. And using my free reign over this site's content, I am here to tell you what those things are. Ignore Mischa Barton, spit upon Kirsten Dunst. They know not what they do!

1. CULOTTES/"GAUCHO PANTS"

Although this term in contemporary France simply means "women's underwear," I believe America has absorbed the word in 2004-2005 for its gross proliferation of stretch capri yoga pants for the female college population. I recall the resurgence of this horrible elastic waisted ditty during my final year of university. I sympathise with the excuses: "8:30 am class! PMS! I hate walking into our moldy-former-frat-house basement to do laundry for my actual big girl clothes!" but I do not condone. Take heed.

Oh my gaaaaaaaaaaah.

Quality colour choices.

2. HIGH-WAISTED PANTS

I don't care if Victoria "learning to fly" Beckham is a slave to the whims of the fashion community, but I will not participate in this latest trend. Have we learned nothing from the 1970s? Do the words Mom Jeans ring a bell? The idea is to cut off the most protruding portion of your waist from public view, not accent it.

Oi, the pockets.

3. OVERALLS

This takes me back to approx 1994-1997 (ahhhhh "the middle school years"), when anyone who was ANYONE at martin meylin bought a pair of Gap overall shorts, Adidas white Samba-look alikes, and straightened their hair. As is the principle behind my disapproval of high-waisted pants, the song remains the same for overalls. If you are a character in a John Steinbeck-penned theatre production, or are a dairy farmer from country New South Wales, go for your life. Just make sure you leave them in the prop room or barn when you go to class or to the corner market.

I'm not even going to address the socks & sandals, cuffed bottoms, and Butterick dragonfly/tulip appliques.

I also believe this was also around the same time the kilts + knee high socks look came back, which I thought was "totally awesome" at age 13. Mama K steered me in other directions, however, forbading me to buy sheer white socks and team with my Gap plaid boucle skirts. Pissed I was back in the day, thankful now I don't have any incriminating photos floating around of me looking like my legs were 8 inches long (which they basically already are).

4. PLEATS

nice.

This is probably something I am most passionate about, as the fashion community has come to a hearty consensus that pleats are just plain BAD, and I whole heartedly agree. Do you know how difficult it is to get a consensus on, well... anything? Pleats to the fashion industry are like global warming to the scientific community. Everyone's pretty much on the same page. As with the high-waisted/overall principle, pleats add material where there already is ample epithileal tissue and fat deposits from our natural bodies. And b t dubs, mothers are not exempt. If anything, we, as daughters must insist upon a comfortable rise for our primary caretakers and settle for nothing less (well, really nothing more) than 4 inch zippers.

There are a myriad of other items that a hefty portion of the population cannot pull off as well: cap sleeves, shoes with ankle straps, loud floral prints, horizontal stripes, the colour orange, but that's for another day.

Stay vigilant, people.



* I recognise the small subset of the population who are runway models. Although they only comprise about 0.0025 per cent of the population- which I believe is roughly the same percentage of Italian-americans who are involved in organised crime-- they can pretty much get away with anything. Curse you, Giselle!

Sacrebleu! It's the French Chingy

Tony Parker has just dropped his new single Blance Trois, along with a slammin' new video to accompany it. Ohhhh Tony, Tony, Tony (no intended allusions to the 90s R & B group there).

Could he not come up with anything more original for his second foray into (what he hopes to be) hip-hop stardom? Besised the fact that with his cammo hoodie, tilted hat, and tinted sunnies, he looks just like the Lou's own Chingy, the video is rife with so many other stockstandard items that make any hip-hop aficionado* or expert yawn.

Tony and his peeps (I'm certain he carries enough street cred from his days on the tough streets of Bruges, Belgium to call his cronies "peeps") climbing out of an enormous Escalade in slow motion? Close-ups on the rims and the grill? How innovative. Jumping the queue at "da club?" The camera inching closer to the gyrating birthing hips of the big booty video hos? Tony's posse members flanked by straight-haired mamis looking like there's nothing they'd rather do than carress men's chests? Ground-breaking.A slow motion cigar exhale by a member of his entourage whilst in the VIP room? RIP, Biggie. Oakland Raider-esque cheerleaders performing a Sean Paul-inspired simultaneous chest/butt pump during the chorus? Dancehall does better. A slew of light-skinned African-American and Asian models sucking on lollipops? Hello, junior year "The Politics of Whiteness" with Dr Anthony. Make that sophomore year "Sociology of Hip-Hop" with Dr Glover as well. Little kid's voice slightly warped and cuteness exploited? I believe Missy makes far better use of Lilliputians who can at least get their groove on. And finally, pink polos? I think Kanye has the trademark on bringing back prep to the Roc. Only he can pull off a Chanel brooch, Lavar Burton sunnies, and 50s cardie during his Australian tour; let's be honest:

But back to the issue at hand. I'm disappointed, Tony. France has the largest hip-hop market outside the USA, and this is the sameold sameold with which you blow America's collective mind? I'll stick with Edith Piaf and Air for my French musix fix, thanksverymuch.

Though you are very cute. Touché. Damn it, Eva.



*Did you know aficionado is Spanish for "amateur" or "fan," even though it's nearly always used to denote the very opposite, a master of something? The English picking-and-choosing of-- followed by its butchering and mis-reappropriation of-- the Romance languages disappoints me at times.