The Paradox of the Quest for "Authenticity"

Wally Jacob talking about the rock paintings (slate.com)

"As Wally* puffs on his cigarette and grins up at the piiwi, I realize that his very strength as a tour guide is that he doesn't really give a crap about tourists. Instead of trying to deliver standardized cultural information, the Pitjantjatjara elder is merely offering me the chance to tag along as he enjoys a stroll in his homeland."

Over three years ago, the IESers and I made the pilgrimage from Adelaide to Alice Springs, sleeping in swags, drinking litres and litres of water and never going to the bathroom because any form of water basically evaporates in the blistering outback sun, counting down the sleeps until humid and lush Queensland, climbing mountains, singing Don Henley at extremely loud levels, and attempting to have, as much as possible, "an authentic experience."

I think that Slate contributor Rolf Potts provides an accurate and appropriate description of his time on the tour in Uluru National Park, much like the one we had.

*In fact, Wally Jacob, the Pitjantjatjara guide pictured, is the exact the same tour guide we had on our trip. I remember him so vividly.

Flava of the Week

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

I have become obsessed with this photo-- for a variety of reasons on a variety of levels, none of which I will disclose on this site.

It's like the full spread in each issue of O Magazine, except instead of a soothing New Zealand fresh water spring for readers to take in and relax, it's the world's preeminent cosmologist and black hole expert floating in mid air.

Bleep blop bloop. This photo (that i ripped from Mx on the train) is now proudly displayed on my magnetic board.

Biggie and Baskerville

Poppa says "Don't MESS with Papyrus, fool. It's ig'nant."

It is well documented that I love a leisurely meal. I believe this tradish stems back to extended- family get togethers/holidays and those blissful Saturday mornings at the SPit (yes, I stand by capitalising the S and P. No need to SHOUT "SPIT" on your away messages, freshman. The SPit is not an acronym; it merely stands for South Campus' version of the Pit), where we ate egg white omelettes and Belgian waffles and hey why not some Lucky Charms™ and "oh my gosh, do they start serving sandwiches this early? oh sure I'll have a BLT and a pickle, thanks."

I still enjoy a good, long meal. Even more so when it is cheap. Even more so when it is delicious. Even more so when it is Thai. Even more so when it is all three. And, even MORE SO, when it is spent with wonderful company who share a fiery hatred of the font Comic Sans like you do.

Davis Street Massive agree with me when it comes to this aformentioned typeface. If you're going to print a menu, a powerpoint presentation, or a pamphlet, get me some SERIFS, SON. I need me some CLASS, some Roman-esque stylings, some, well, GROWN-UP-looking words. I truly think I subconsciously (and now consciously) negate people's intelligence/merit of the content if they use Comic Sans to get it across.

All this complaining about what most (some?) people would see as irrelevant aside... I mean, I know I'm not studying cures for cancer or ways to get Uganda medical aid and HIV drugs and condoms without teaching abstinence-only programs. Still, I think it would be safe to say, people go through their lives subconsciously judging things/books/websites/programs on the way they look, and this has a lot to do with their typefaces. It's true. You simply read a book differently if it's in Futura or Big Caslon. The entire tone shifts.

These typefaces didn't arise from a cultural vacuum; they were (nearly) all invented by Anglo patron of the artsish men from the 15-19th centuries. Why don't we give them a second thought like other kinds of design or works of art? This dude definitely agrees: he has spent a hefty portion of his career loading off Death to Helvetica t-shirts. I quite like his Gingham set. Joo likeyyyy???

Stephen Banham would not be proud.

Similarly, do we blink when Microsoft word uses Times New as its default? It is likely the single worst font to be read on screen; it was invented to squeeze more print into broadsheet newspapers, not to be read on a computer (I recommend going for Palatino as a default font-- so much clearer, my GOSH).

Despite all this brouhaha devoted to the ramifications of fonts, there are many people out there who see the lighter side of what is already (let's face it) a light topic. Big ups to Notorious and some font named after an 18th century white dude coming freakishly together. Don't think twice, it's alright is probably one of the greatest folk songs ever written, and I do like the look of Garamond, but I have to give props when props are due, kids.

Indeed, it's a wonderful feeling in a young woman's life when she has chosen to surround herself with people who let her release her inner-geek, who let her wax grammatical, and who, Lawd in Heaven, agree that Comic Sans is only OK for kindergarten newsletters and small-time circus brochures. And who still totally need her on rock trivia nights for the questions on Public Enemy and the Beastie Boys. I love you, guys.

Melbourne's on the Map

It was 2005 when the mainstream Hollywood films Ghost Rider and Charlotte's Web came to town; they chose to film in Melbourne and greater Victoria (I recall Oprah describing the farm shots in rural Greendale, "just outside of Mel-BORN, Australia" --owww my ears hurt from the mispronunciation).

Although GR was meant to be pretty crap, and Dakota Fanning sufficiently freaks me out with her beyond-her-years public appearances slash behaviour, at least we're doin' the damn thing.

[SIDENOTE: Is Nicholas Cage a GW Bush fan? My Googling is not yielding any clear-cut answer, and all I have to go on are the random tidbits of pop culture info floating around my brain that tells me he is, and trust me, there are HEAPS of other pop culture tidbits floating around there as well. In any case, why is he in so many movies? Is he really that good of an actor? Is it cos Papa Coppola is his uncle? So far I see these as his PROS: He was in Adaptation and Fast Times at Ridgemont High; he is friends with Tom Waits; he lives in a fake castle (props); his dad is an Engish professor and his mom is a dancer. And his CONS: He has a tatoo of a lizard with a top hat on his back (double GROSS); he invented his last name "Cage" from a comic book character; he names his son after a comic book character; he was in the remake of The Wicker Man]. And I digress.

Back to the topic du jour. Melbourne is great. Like really, really GREAT. Like so great Steven Spielberg/Tom Hanks BFF!! think it's film-location-worthy GREAT. Their new mini-series Pacific, follow-up to Band of Brothers, will be based at Melbourne's Central City Studios in the Docklands and filmed in Melbourne, The Northern Territory, and Queensland (for the jungle scenes). How cool is that?! I know, Americans. I'll answer that question-parading-as-emphatic statement. Prettaayyy, prettayy cool.

We are told directors fancy Melbourne because it is such a versatile city: trams=San Francisco; the river= Chicago; quaint back alleys=period pieces; Flinders Street Station=19th century; parklands=Victorian promenades... the list goes on and on. Also, great coffee. Not to be underestimated. And Victoria loves those directors right back. $US150 million price tag on filming equals ca-ching for the local economy and a brand-boost for City Studios and FilmVictoria.

Here's hoping for another cast full of genetically-enhanced 25-35 year old males. Delish.

Baptism by Phonetics

As I have featured in my infamous long e-mails of yore, Australians have a very distinct interpretation of the English language. Housie and I were frustrated at first, spouting off frustration over what we saw as unneccesary diminutives and rhetorical-questions-pawned-off-as-comments.

Still, Australian idiosynchrasies have crept into my vernacular and slowly gnawed away at my US-based stubbornness. Like Dennis the Menace melts Mr Wilson's cold, cold heart using his charming tomfoolery and cheekiness, so too have these ridiculous phrases broken down my own wall of linguistic prejudice. I have--indeed-- jumped right on the bandwagon. You win, Australia. Call me Mrs Macquarie.

Here are a few of the little gems:

INCOMPLETE SIMILES

This was most recently implemented by Ford's popular campaign for its car, the Focus, where they used a popular female radio host (Jackie O) and one half of the Australian Idol host team (Andrew G). The two buzz around town in their spiffy Ford Focuses with bowls of goldfish and ipods on the top of their cars which they (silly presenters!) left on the roof by accident. Of course, the objects never fall off, because the Focus is smooth as.

Aussies also employ "_______ as" when they're excited about something:

That boy is smart as!
Boy, I need to change into something more breathable. It's hot as outside!

RHETORICAL QUESTIONS PARADING AS EMPHATIC STATEMENTS

I was famously called out on not knowing this technique's meaning in June of '06. While busting out my supersleek Sony Cybershot™, an Australian friend "commented" (or should I say QUESTIONED):

Look at your camera; how small is that?!
to which I promptly responded,
I dunno, like 5 inches? I'm really bad at spatial skills
to which he replied
ahahahahahaha it's just an expression, duh

Another exemplary anecdote:

I just tried the Thai pumpkin soup. It's so much spicier than the other kind; I really like it!
I know-- how good is it?

ABBREVIATIONS














Australians are very aware of this idiosynchracy, unlike some of the others mentioned here. They chalk it up to "being lazy." I suppose I agree, in most instances. Still, sometimes by "abbreviating" a name, they make it longer. Adding a -y suffix to the end of comedian Dave Hughes' last name instantly "cutens" it and makes it longer. Why infantise the grown men of Australia? And forget sportspeople. By the time they can swing a bat or swim a lap, they are nicknamed. It even extends to non-Australian athletes. Just the other day I heard a Channel 10 sports reporter refer to the USofA's own Michael Phelps as Phelpsie. I hate to break it to you, folks, but I don't think the Yanks have a petname for their best living swimmer.

The other type of abbreviation that shocked me upon first arrival is the idea of a professional/commercial/nationally and socially accepted abbreviation. Car companies advertise free reggo for new automobiles (that's registration), reputable restaurants tout big brekkies on weekends (that's breakfast), and the game Australian Rules Football is unequivocally called the footy.

I haven't begun to mention the more casual abbrevs. The following are essentially only used in abbreviated form:

• bottle shop=bottle-o
• sick day=sickie
• afternoon=arvo
• musician=muso
• barbeque=barbie
• cup of tea or coffee=cuppa
• mosquito=mozzie
• Tasmania=Tassie
• vegetables=vegies
• thanks=ta
• cooler=eskie
• french kiss(passionate kiss)=pash
  

This batch is used more like 60% of the time in abbreviated form:

• relatives=rellies
• Christmas=Chrissie
• present=pressie
• umbrella=brellie
• sandwiches= sangas
• cookies(biscuits)=bickies
• chicken=chook

"HAVE" INSTEAD OF "TAKE"

Instead of taking a nap or a shower, Australians have a nap or a shower. This is also used when people have to make decisions:

Well, I won't make you choose right now whether you want to take the job. Have a think about it over night.

In some instances, they add "a bit of." This is most often used for casual things:

We had a bit of a chat at the pub last night

"HAVEN'T GOT" INSTEAD OF "DON'T HAVE"

Do you have my change yet?
No, I haven't got my paycheck yet.

"HAVE GONE" INSTEAD OF "SAID"

Usually used in recounting an old story:

Then she told him that his fly was down, and he's just gone 'Um yeah, thanks for that.'

FULL-ON INSTEAD OF TOTALLY OR COMPLETELY

He was fully dancing like a maniac.

And you're saying they made you stay at work an extra 3 hours?
Yeah, full-on!

"SHOCKING" INSTEAD OF "TERRIBLE"

I am a shocking golfer. You wouldn't want to play in a tournament with me.

That chick off Australian idol is shocking.
Yeah I know; she can't carry a tune at all.

"IN" INSTEAD OF "ON"

This refers to streets. A building is not on a street, but rather located in one.

"COME ACROSS" INSTEAD OF "COME OVER"

Can you tell her to come across to our house and return my pie dish?

"I'M HAPPY TO" INSTEAD OF "I'M FINE WITH"

This phrase is misleading because it doesn't necessarily mean the person involved is ecstatic with doing something.

If it's a working mother's turn to carpool, but she's very busy at work that day and doesn't really want to do her neighbourly duty, she might say:

Look, I'm happy to drive them all to school, we just have to make sure we leave by 8:15 at the latest.

"A CLASSIC"

This is used to denote someone is funny, even if they aren't trying to be, or they did something comical for the first time:

Oh my God, Claire accidentally sent that wildly inappropriate website around to all her work friends. What a classic.

"A LEGEND"

This usually involves alcohol. If someone performs an act of comedy or saves a funny situation, his/her friends might refer to him/her as a legend.

Even though he locked himself out of the house, somehow Hugh pried open his bedroom window so he could bring those four bottles of wine to the Thai restaurant for my birthday. What a legend!

"GO OFF"

This has two meanings: a) food has expired; b) a place is really crowded/happening.

a) Ew this milk smells awful. It must've gone off a couple days ago.

b) That pub is going OFF! Let's go there!

My linguistic journey continues, and I will invariably add to this list in my remaining year. Goon onya, Oz!

My cousin has an IMDB page

Jake's movie

As I don't have any younger (or older) siblings to awkwardly embarrass/gush over their achievements, I tend to play the proud aunt card with my plethora of cousins, both immediate and distant, both state-side and British Isles-born. The Killian clan is a gifted bunch, and I can't wait to see what some of the young'uns throw into the family vault of talents next. Perhaps cousin Chick will join Michael Flatley on his American Tour of the next installment of The Celtic Tiger? Maybe cousin Meghan will split and contort herself into the hearts of America in the top 10 of So You Think You Can Dance 2019?

In the meantime, two rellies have performed and produced some brag-worthy items. Let me take this moment to unabashedly give props to two of them.

Cousin Jake, age 12 and a half, starred in a movie which recently went to DVD: Always Will. And yes, he totally has a profile on the website I frequent the most for reference. OMG! He filmed it about two years ago. Needless to say, since I haven't seen him since my going away bash, and I picture him as polo shirt-wearing elementary school kiddie like he is in the movie, I was sufficiently freaked out to speak to him over my ichat/isight and hear that his voice has changed. Ahhhhhh, life.

Back to the movie: The director had been working out in Cali for reasonably famous movies i.e. Holes. [SIDEOTE: It's totally freaking me out that Shia LeBeouf is all teenager-y and starring in creepy peeping tom thrillers. He will soooo always be the crazy brother on Even Stevens to me.] Anyway, he always wanted to make his own movie, grassroots style y'all, so he came back to the place of his birth-- Drexel Hill, Pennsylvania (and my birth! repping the DH).

He decided to use a few actors (dunno if they we're SAG card carrying actors or anything) and students from the local school district. Incidentally, Upper Darby is the biggest in the state. Just the other day, cousin Jake's sister told me over my webcam that there are 1200 people in her FRESHMAN class. Anyway, based on the likeness to the already casted main character, and his own dashing good looks and long eyelashes (cousin Jake, you have REALLY great eyelashes), Jake V was chosen.

Jake plays the role of the protagonist at age 7 (flashbacks). Not being a trained thespian, Jake doesn't have many speaking roles (the most famous one which sparked much playful family embarrassment at birthday partties has to do with every 1st grade teacher's worst nightmare: lice), but he is, as they say, "workin' it."

I highly recommend you view the trailer to see how he much he looks like the lead guy and how well he fake cries in the muddy/rain scene.

When I went to the premiere at UDHS over a year and a half ago, the excitement-- which only a locally-made/produced/everything movie could yield-- was palpable. And even though I think the word "palpable" and "excitement" are always used close to each other way too often, it really was.

So good on ya, Jakey. Mama's proud.

wikki wikki uh

Relative number two lives across the pond, in Ireland, but my enthusiasm is as high as if he lived in suburban Philadelphia. Colm, age 24 and three quarters, has always been into soul and hip-hop music, demonstrated when we bonded over Erykah Badu during my 10th grade visit to Cork with the fam, and he has made the natural progression to DJing and mixing his favourite artists. Check it outtttt!

He was the DJ a few years ago in a hip-hop slash electronica band with his mates, and they came out with a CD which did pretty well in their native Ireland (and among the Killian fam stateside. Papa T and Mama K were definitely known to throw on a little trip hop on lazy Saturday mornings). When the band broke up, Colm ventured out on his own to spin the wax, and he's doing pretty well, friends.

We share a common adoration of Lupe (though I have not yet come to realise why a Muslim/teetotaler would call his album Food and Liquor), and a mysterious love of Nas (why did you marry that skanky Kelis, my son?), and basically, well... I'm just happy there's another white person in the family that appreciates the brothas. Well done, Colm.

The only time I enjoy seeing a map covered in RED

10% down. 90% to go...

"It's so far."

"It's the world, dear. Did you expect it to be small?"

"Smaller."

-The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe


where have you been, mates?