Don't Melbourne the Toast

Years ago, I read an article in a non-descript magazine aboubt a woman in her 50s who became swamped with clippings her 70-something parents cut out for her from the newspaper. They would constantly cut out articles they thought said daughter would find relevant/intriguing/amusing, write the date on the back, and bring them over to her house or send them in the mail. Some were quite pertinent, but some, well, weren't. They clipped so many articles that said daughter/magazine reporter felt she had enough content to whip out a human interest story, and she wrote it in a light that made her parents come out looking a tad kooky instead of a tad 'Put on a hat- you'll catch a cold' endearing.

Though I am not 50, Mama K (and to some extent, Papa T... the softball championship article was WELL documented, laminated, and sent my way) is already turning into one of these Zeitung hoarders (that, and the current affairs chain of command is generational: Grandparents Killian pass along back issues of Newsweek and People at family functions; my family's starting to sound OCD-Russell-in-A-Beautiful-Mind. Eeeeee).

I suppose it's a bit apples and oranges since I now live in a foreign country; you might simply say my mo(/u)m is simply trying to keep me connected with my Motherland in a topical and light-hearted way. I certainly hear about all the bad news via every other news medium. Man, does a large portion of the world HATE US. Still, in every US Mail package I receive, there is inevitably some kooky local advertisement or news article (in addition, of course, to the requisite engagement announcement of someone with whom I graduated high school. Congrats, Marilyn, Bethany, Laura, Jill!).

The latest box was no exception. I have been waiting with bated breath for the arrival of new brown boots (it's starting to get cold and rainy), decent eyemakeup remover, and Schick Quattro razor blades. You can imagine my glee when I found those items and so much more (cute leopard print ballet flats! Proenza Schouler for Target fabulous tank and jacket! enormous earrings! concealer! skinny dark rinse jeans! big ups, Mom!). The kicker has been the ads/articles she's chosen to include.

1. A JCPenney ad for kimono-style shirts paired with leggings. She then wrote "ew! ::sad face::" with an arrow pointing to the cropped jeans (they were hein), and "tops are cute though!" beside the Asian-inspired billowing tops.

In the last box o' fun my mom sent me, she included a kimono-esque silky top. I love the colours, but when I tried it on, I really felt like Ziyi Zhang. I jokingly told her this year I could easily be a Geisha for Halloween (Halloween '07 gon' be off the CHAIN! Yeah, housie!). Well, my mother has clung onto this comment for dear life and likes to reference frequently how popular kimono-style tops are in America at the moment since she feels my comment implied I wouldn't wear the kimono in a normal social setting. Well, she was right.*

Plus, using a JCPenney ad to prove your point is doing you any favours, Madre.

*I have been searching for a still of Lauren Graham from the Ellen show the other day. I happened to catch her on Foxtel (Lucia, bless) and she was wearing what amounted to be, a kimono dress (only A-line and CUTE AS). She mentioned it was from Madonna's line for H & M. If this trend inches south of the equator during the winter, I might just be ahead of the game.

2. beautyspy from Lucky magazine: "rosebud cheeks" with a paragraph about Coach's new fragrance on the reverse (PS, now you know 1/10 of my Christmas wishlist).

Nothing to see here, really. I do enjoy rosy cheeks/looking alive and I adore Reed Krakoff.

3. Article about Amy Winehouse being a mess.

Tell me something I don't know.

4. Article about Susan Sontag's posthumously released essays.

I guess every mother thinks their child will grow up to be a world-famous writer? That and the fact that Sontag supported Rushdie relentlessly during the fatwah; Mom knows how much I love The Ground Beneath her Feet. Props.

5. Vertical advertisement for OPI's Australia Collection: Free-Spirited and Fabulous!

Something about which I have pondered entirely too often in my spare thinking time/ditzball moments is this: how do makeup (and nail polish) companies come up with "new" colours each season? For that matter, how does Nike or Adidas come up with new spiffy-looking sneaks? The technology remains the same. I guess this is where I lose faith in marketing departments and start to feel swindled (slash I refuse to read advertorials), even though I-- like all young independent women-- totally fall for packaging sometimes. Have you ever bought anything from Benefit?!?!?! My God! Cutest ever!

Yes, there are millions of potential colours to be produced in an RBG scheme, but most of them are indiscernable by the human eye. Not only indiscernable, but seriously, crimson red is crimson red is crimson red. Call it Red Hot Ayers Rock, or You Rock-Apulco Red, or some other ridiculous pun, but no woman in the world can tell the difference.

All that being said, I really like Fair Dinkum Pinkum and Suzi Loves Sydney, but couldn't come up with a fun pun relating to the Opera House, could you, OPI? Who the H is Suzi? Perhaps Luna Park After Dark for the wine shade. I could work for you. Give me a call.